3 Reasons Why You Should Go Here (and one reason why you shouldn’t)

 

 

I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated, but every once in a while something so revolutionary, so inconceivable straddles my lap, thrusts its boobs in my face, and demands a post.  I’m talking of course of the Strip Club Insider.  Go there.  Now.

 

Still here?  Figures.  This site’s too awesome to abandon without a fight, I know, and that’s why I have four reasons why you must:

 

1. Strippers Are Cool

Some argue that strippers are lame, or that strip clubs exploit women.  This is false.  Why?  Because it’s not true.  Proof, you say?  I ask you: in what warped view of the world is THIS mixed in with a dose of THIS, forming something like THIS not equal cool?  And exploiting women?  Well, take a look at THIS?  Case closed.  Strippers are cool.

 

2. The Site Doesn’t Suck

It’s a blog, updated frequently, about strippers.  Huh.  I tried to think of a reason why someone might disagree with this being listed as a positive thing, but other than LESBIANS, SHRILL HARPIES, RAGING BULL-DYKES, and MORBIDLY OBESE CHICKS, who could possibly cry foul?  And who cares about them anyway?  Honestly, did anyone click those links?

 

3. The Dude Just, Like, Whips His Dick Out

Now, this might, at first, seem like a bad thing.  It’s not.  Whipping your dick out is probably the best thing you can do in any circumstance.  Think about it: if Freud had just started whipping his dick out, there’d be no such thing as psychoanalysis.  It’s like:

“Penis envy?  Castration fear?  These are very concerning issues, but here’s my dick.  It’s hanging out the front of my Victorian Era trousers.  Look at it.  Yep, I’m showing you my dick.”

Hell, I’m whipping my dick out right now, both because it’s the right thing to do, and also I don’t give a fuck.  Strip Club Insider has his dick whipped out 24/7.  It’s whipped out on gossip; it’s whipped out on current events; it’s whipped out in anecdotes.  When you read that blog, just know that the guy wrote it with his dick hanging out of his pants, not giving a fuck.

 

 

Why you shouldn’t?  Because you’re a “I don’t even have a dick to whip out” kind of PUSSY.

 

 

Oh, and Strip Club Insider isn’t me.  In case it might read that way.

Island of Dr. Moreau is Less Fun to Watch in Real Life

Full-time socialite / plastic surgery buff(oon) Jocelyn Wildenstein was photographed eating lunch.

I’d really like to make some joke here about lion-women, or zoos, or something like that, but it’s hard to focus on being funny considering that my penis just crawled inside my body and started weeping uncontrollably.

Now, I’m a really serious journalist, but even I have no interest in exploring how this guy is able keep food down while pulling stunts like THIS one… or THIS other one. Maybe it has something to do with millions of dollars? Or fame? Or a twisted love of Narnia?

Hurt me, Aslan… I’ve been a very bad Ice Queen. Rake my back with your lion paws. Hurt me. OOOO…

Hey, my penis is back! Whew, thanks GEMMA ATKINSON!

World’s Most Expensive Watch is Also Most Complicated

Feast your eyes on the Tour de I’lle, created by Vacheron Constantin, at $1.5 million, the most expensive watch in the world.

According to the official description:

‘Its case measures 47 x 17.8 mm with dials front and back displaying 16 watchmaking complications and astronomical indications including: a minute repeater, perpetual calendar, tourbillon, equation of time, sunrise and sunset time, second time zone, and a representation of the night sky. The movement includes 834 components and required 10,000 hours of research and development to produce.’

Now, this isn’t generally the kind of news I report on; I’m talking about this watch just to let you know that it’s a total rip-off.

See, I own six, and the only thing it’s good for is when the sun gets right in front of me and I can see my ripped abs gleaming on the dial. And, I suppose, all the features that let me know the exact moment when that’ll happen next.

This watch is way too complicated. If you’re going to make The Most Expensive Watch in the World, don’t worry about research and development, just cover it with a ridiculous amount of diamonds and a-holes will still buy it.

Besides, does anyone who can pay $1.5 million for a watch really need to know what time it is?

Tom Brady Sextape… With Gisele..?

Patriot’s female fans still reeling from the Super Bowl might have something to give them a boost: A Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen sex tape.

According to the New York Post, New York high dining noshery Phillippe has a funny little habit of videotaping celebrities in the restaurant’s private wine cellar, advertised as a private room.

A source for Page6 had this to say:

“They’ve watched tape of Diddy and Sienna Miller hanging out and Tom Brady and Gisele (Bundchen) hooking up. They get a kick out of it, they laugh and comment on people. Only a small circle of staffers there [knows] what’s going on.”

A rep for Phillippe confirmed that there are cameras in the private rooms, but maintains that staff has no access to the tapes.

For some idea what might be on those tapes, click HERE….or you might try HERE ……. or HERE.

Phoebe Cates Continues Doing Nothing Newsworthy, Though Kevin Kline Has His Suspicions

Phoebe Cates was photographed on the red carpet several years ago. I’m not sure what event, premiere, or award ceremony she was attending…

She was tan when this picture was taken; she looks healthy too. It’s rare to see a good photograph of Phoebe Cates since she retired from full-time show business to focus on being a mother of two children with Kevin Kline.

Known best for her work done in her late teens, she has been in some other things too.

Her son, Owen, received rave reviews for his performance in The Squid and the Whale. An admirable accomplishment for a boy too young to see photographs of Phoebe Cates like THIS famous scene, released when she was 19. Or THIS other one from the previous year.

Not that he’d want too anyway… unless he’s a pervert.

Things Just Couldn’t Be Better For Perez

Gossip blogger Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Lavandeira) has been caught up in an (unexciting) sex-tape scandal of his own.

According to the New York Post, Jonathan Jaxson, another young blogger, sent Hilton sexually explicit tapes of himself as a result of promises for promotion for Jaxson’s own GOSSIP SITE.

‘He told me he would give me stories for my blog,’ Jaxson said. ‘He used me.’

Granted, Perez is pretty lame. And his site is pretty lame. But it’s far from being the lamest site on the internet – that honor goes to THIS SITE, which is so unnecessary that I was sure was a sham until I read Lindsay Lohan’s non-committal, barely coherent ‘endorsement’ trumpeted on the Celebrity Statements section.

The aspect of this scandal that makes it ridiculous is the fact that, apparently, of the billions of real (and fake) people on the internet, Mario couldn’t get anyone to send him a sex tape without an ulterior motive. And he’s well-known.

Kinda sad, isn’t it?

Good Clean Fun With Mushrooms and Plumbers

New from the endless catalog of vaguely creepy endorsements come the Super Mario Bath Bombs – effervescent balls that melt into yellow foam in the tub, leaving one of five collectible figurines.

As fun and interesting as these things would be (and, oh my, I am excited) I think the real story here is Nintendo / Japan’s fierce dedication and innovation in recycling.  Or, so I assume, at least…

I mean, I know this isn’t in the official product description, but what else could these things possible be except some fancy packaging around the natural byproduct of a certain earlier Mario product.

Man, I can’t believe that I wasted all of my fizzy yellow Mario Bombs on the wrong bathroom fixture…

PETA is Bringing Subtlety Back to the Art of Protest Vol. 2

Due to popular demand, I’m bringing up some of the artful photos from various PETA protests

For the cute brunette from the first volume, click HERE   ……….and HERE   ……… and HERE.

For another photo from the girl at the top of this page, click HERE.

For more photos from the ‘Running of the Bulls’ protest, click HERE …… and HERE.

And misc, click HERE.

Pete Doherty Confirms Power of Lowering People’s Expectations

British artist Pete Doherty is officially the Hero of the Year, 2007.

If the end-all-of-everything are the NME awards.

Now, I like Pete Doherty. A lot. As anyone who knows me can probably imagine, I like pretty much anyone who’s thin, has black hair, smokes a lot, and plays music. I loved his old band; I love his new band.

But even I’m not sure about this one.

For those of you who aren’t much into Brit-pop, Pete Doherty is a pro-musician / on-again-off-again junkie / Kate Moss’s on-again-off-again significant other… He was one of the two dubious geniuses behind the Brit-punk band The Libertines before his descent into total junkiedom and exile by every one except the police and the tabloids.

Hero of the Year?

In related news, Carl Barat is ‘very confused’ by Pete Doherty’s recent win, and had this to say when asked about the possibility of a new project with Pete:

“Yeah, actually. He said we should write a musical, which I really want to do. It’s just a matter of timing and sorting it out.”

He goes on to say that it would be in the vein of The Threepenny Opera, except based more on what they know.

I’m pretty excited; I know that I’ve been desperately in need of a lame non-existent project to get pumped about, and this one is perfect!

For a taste of the magic of The Libertines, and to jump on the bandwagon before it gets any later, check out this VIDEO… and for some very ‘special’ pictures of Kate Moss to get inside the psyche of Pete click HERE…… and HERE.

Shocking New Evidence Suggests that Web Relationships are Potentially Hazardous

Jealousy, Deception, Obsession, Heartbreak, Smut

Ah, the bittersweet joys of online dating.

Sentence comes down on March 19 in the case of Stephen Hailes (48), the jilted online chatter who forwarded naked pictures of his cyber-partner Karen Parker (36) to her husband and every one else in her Hotmail address book.

The ‘crime’ is sending indecent and grossly offensive images by a public communication network; which I guess is illegal in Britain.

More confusing is how this managed to happen in the first place… Not satisfied just sending naked photographs, she also spoke with him on the phone and, most importantly, gave him her e-mail password.

What happened in between that and forwarding involves someone sending flowers, calling constantly, growing jealous, and *gasp* discovering that Karen Parker was not quite web-monogamous, as the term might be.

Sigh…

Forward this to anyone who still thinks that the British have a one-up as far as culture and intelligence goes – the saga of the unemployed single father-of-one, the married grocery-store cashier mother-of-two, and all the heartbreak and scandal that plagues them should cure that fast.

The mad-forwarder faces potential jail time… The scandal-box faces…. um, nothing?

Check out the PG version to see what had this guy losing his mind… right…….. HERE.