Author Archive for Fletcher Maxwell

10
Aug
11

3 Reasons Why You Should Go Here (and one reason why you shouldn’t)

 

 

I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated, but every once in a while something so revolutionary, so inconceivable straddles my lap, thrusts its boobs in my face, and demands a post.  I’m talking of course of the Strip Club Insider.  Go there.  Now.

 

Still here?  Figures.  This site’s too awesome to abandon without a fight, I know, and that’s why I have four reasons why you must:

 

1. Strippers Are Cool

Some argue that strippers are lame, or that strip clubs exploit women.  This is false.  Why?  Because it’s not true.  Proof, you say?  I ask you: in what warped view of the world is THIS mixed in with a dose of THIS, forming something like THIS not equal cool?  And exploiting women?  Well, take a look at THIS?  Case closed.  Strippers are cool.

 

2. The Site Doesn’t Suck

It’s a blog, updated frequently, about strippers.  Huh.  I tried to think of a reason why someone might disagree with this being listed as a positive thing, but other than LESBIANS, SHRILL HARPIES, RAGING BULL-DYKES, and MORBIDLY OBESE CHICKS, who could possibly cry foul?  And who cares about them anyway?  Honestly, did anyone click those links?

 

3. The Dude Just, Like, Whips His Dick Out

Now, this might, at first, seem like a bad thing.  It’s not.  Whipping your dick out is probably the best thing you can do in any circumstance.  Think about it: if Freud had just started whipping his dick out, there’d be no such thing as psychoanalysis.  It’s like:

“Penis envy?  Castration fear?  These are very concerning issues, but here’s my dick.  It’s hanging out the front of my Victorian Era trousers.  Look at it.  Yep, I’m showing you my dick.”

Hell, I’m whipping my dick out right now, both because it’s the right thing to do, and also I don’t give a fuck.  Strip Club Insider has his dick whipped out 24/7.  It’s whipped out on gossip; it’s whipped out on current events; it’s whipped out in anecdotes.  When you read that blog, just know that the guy wrote it with his dick hanging out of his pants, not giving a fuck.

 

 

Why you shouldn’t?  Because you’re a “I don’t even have a dick to whip out” kind of PUSSY.

 

 

Oh, and Strip Club Insider isn’t me.  In case it might read that way.

11
Mar
08

Island of Dr. Moreau is Less Fun to Watch in Real Life

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Full-time socialite / plastic surgery buff(oon) Jocelyn Wildenstein was photographed eating lunch.

I’d really like to make some joke here about lion-women, or zoos, or something like that, but it’s hard to focus on being funny considering that my penis just crawled inside my body and started weeping uncontrollably.

Now, I’m a really serious journalist, but even I have no interest in exploring how this guy is able keep food down while pulling stunts like THIS one… or THIS other one. Maybe it has something to do with millions of dollars? Or fame? Or a twisted love of Narnia?

Hurt me, Aslan… I’ve been a very bad Ice Queen. Rake my back with your lion paws. Hurt me. OOOO…

Hey, my penis is back! Whew, thanks GEMMA ATKINSON!

06
Mar
08

World’s Most Expensive Watch is Also Most Complicated

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Feast your eyes on the Tour de I’lle, created by Vacheron Constantin, at $1.5 million, the most expensive watch in the world.

According to the official description:

‘Its case measures 47 x 17.8 mm with dials front and back displaying 16 watchmaking complications and astronomical indications including: a minute repeater, perpetual calendar, tourbillon, equation of time, sunrise and sunset time, second time zone, and a representation of the night sky. The movement includes 834 components and required 10,000 hours of research and development to produce.’

Now, this isn’t generally the kind of news I report on; I’m talking about this watch just to let you know that it’s a total rip-off.

See, I own six, and the only thing it’s good for is when the sun gets right in front of me and I can see my ripped abs gleaming on the dial. And, I suppose, all the features that let me know the exact moment when that’ll happen next.

This watch is way too complicated. If you’re going to make The Most Expensive Watch in the World, don’t worry about research and development, just cover it with a ridiculous amount of diamonds and a-holes will still buy it.

Besides, does anyone who can pay $1.5 million for a watch really need to know what time it is?

06
Mar
08

Tom Brady Sextape… With Gisele..?

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Patriot’s female fans still reeling from the Super Bowl might have something to give them a boost: A Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen sex tape.

According to the New York Post, New York high dining noshery Phillippe has a funny little habit of videotaping celebrities in the restaurant’s private wine cellar, advertised as a private room.

A source for Page6 had this to say:

“They’ve watched tape of Diddy and Sienna Miller hanging out and Tom Brady and Gisele (Bundchen) hooking up. They get a kick out of it, they laugh and comment on people. Only a small circle of staffers there [knows] what’s going on.”

A rep for Phillippe confirmed that there are cameras in the private rooms, but maintains that staff has no access to the tapes.

For some idea what might be on those tapes, click HERE….or you might try HERE ……. or HERE.

04
Mar
08

Phoebe Cates Continues Doing Nothing Newsworthy, Though Kevin Kline Has His Suspicions

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Phoebe Cates was photographed on the red carpet several years ago. I’m not sure what event, premiere, or award ceremony she was attending…

She was tan when this picture was taken; she looks healthy too. It’s rare to see a good photograph of Phoebe Cates since she retired from full-time show business to focus on being a mother of two children with Kevin Kline.

Known best for her work done in her late teens, she has been in some other things too.

Her son, Owen, received rave reviews for his performance in The Squid and the Whale. An admirable accomplishment for a boy too young to see photographs of Phoebe Cates like THIS famous scene, released when she was 19. Or THIS other one from the previous year.

Not that he’d want too anyway… unless he’s a pervert.

04
Mar
08

Things Just Couldn’t Be Better For Perez

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Gossip blogger Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Lavandeira) has been caught up in an (unexciting) sex-tape scandal of his own.

According to the New York Post, Jonathan Jaxson, another young blogger, sent Hilton sexually explicit tapes of himself as a result of promises for promotion for Jaxson’s own GOSSIP SITE.

‘He told me he would give me stories for my blog,’ Jaxson said. ‘He used me.’

Granted, Perez is pretty lame. And his site is pretty lame. But it’s far from being the lamest site on the internet – that honor goes to THIS SITE, which is so unnecessary that I was sure was a sham until I read Lindsay Lohan’s non-committal, barely coherent ‘endorsement’ trumpeted on the Celebrity Statements section.

The aspect of this scandal that makes it ridiculous is the fact that, apparently, of the billions of real (and fake) people on the internet, Mario couldn’t get anyone to send him a sex tape without an ulterior motive. And he’s well-known.

Kinda sad, isn’t it?

04
Mar
08

Good Clean Fun With Mushrooms and Plumbers

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New from the endless catalog of vaguely creepy endorsements come the Super Mario Bath Bombs – effervescent balls that melt into yellow foam in the tub, leaving one of five collectible figurines.

As fun and interesting as these things would be (and, oh my, I am excited) I think the real story here is Nintendo / Japan’s fierce dedication and innovation in recycling.  Or, so I assume, at least…

I mean, I know this isn’t in the official product description, but what else could these things possible be except some fancy packaging around the natural byproduct of a certain earlier Mario product.

Man, I can’t believe that I wasted all of my fizzy yellow Mario Bombs on the wrong bathroom fixture…