Full-time socialite / plastic surgery buff(oon) Jocelyn Wildenstein was photographed eating lunch.

I’d really like to make some joke here about lion-women, or zoos, or something like that, but it’s hard to focus on being funny considering that my penis just crawled inside my body and started weeping uncontrollably.

Now, I’m a really serious journalist, but even I have no interest in exploring how this guy is able keep food down while pulling stunts like THIS one… or THIS other one. Maybe it has something to do with millions of dollars? Or fame? Or a twisted love of Narnia?

Hurt me, Aslan… I’ve been a very bad Ice Queen. Rake my back with your lion paws. Hurt me. OOOO…

Hey, my penis is back! Whew, thanks GEMMA ATKINSON!

Feast your eyes on the Tour de I’lle, created by Vacheron Constantin, at $1.5 million, the most expensive watch in the world.

According to the official description:

‘Its case measures 47 x 17.8 mm with dials front and back displaying 16 watchmaking complications and astronomical indications including: a minute repeater, perpetual calendar, tourbillon, equation of time, sunrise and sunset time, second time zone, and a representation of the night sky. The movement includes 834 components and required 10,000 hours of research and development to produce.’

Now, this isn’t generally the kind of news I report on; I’m talking about this watch just to let you know that it’s a total rip-off.

See, I own six, and the only thing it’s good for is when the sun gets right in front of me and I can see my ripped abs gleaming on the dial. And, I suppose, all the features that let me know the exact moment when that’ll happen next.

This watch is way too complicated. If you’re going to make The Most Expensive Watch in the World, don’t worry about research and development, just cover it with a ridiculous amount of diamonds and a-holes will still buy it.

Besides, does anyone who can pay $1.5 million for a watch really need to know what time it is?

Patriot’s female fans still reeling from the Super Bowl might have something to give them a boost: A Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen sex tape.

According to the New York Post, New York high dining noshery Phillippe has a funny little habit of videotaping celebrities in the restaurant’s private wine cellar, advertised as a private room.

A source for Page6 had this to say:

“They’ve watched tape of Diddy and Sienna Miller hanging out and Tom Brady and Gisele (Bundchen) hooking up. They get a kick out of it, they laugh and comment on people. Only a small circle of staffers there [knows] what’s going on.”

A rep for Phillippe confirmed that there are cameras in the private rooms, but maintains that staff has no access to the tapes.

For some idea what might be on those tapes, click HERE….or you might try HERE ……. or HERE.

Phoebe Cates was photographed on the red carpet several years ago. I’m not sure what event, premiere, or award ceremony she was attending…

She was tan when this picture was taken; she looks healthy too. It’s rare to see a good photograph of Phoebe Cates since she retired from full-time show business to focus on being a mother of two children with Kevin Kline.

Known best for her work done in her late teens, she has been in some other things too.

Her son, Owen, received rave reviews for his performance in The Squid and the Whale. An admirable accomplishment for a boy too young to see photographs of Phoebe Cates like THIS famous scene, released when she was 19. Or THIS other one from the previous year.

Not that he’d want too anyway… unless he’s a pervert.

Gossip blogger Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Lavandeira) has been caught up in an (unexciting) sex-tape scandal of his own.

According to the New York Post, Jonathan Jaxson, another young blogger, sent Hilton sexually explicit tapes of himself as a result of promises for promotion for Jaxson’s own GOSSIP SITE.

‘He told me he would give me stories for my blog,’ Jaxson said. ‘He used me.’

Granted, Perez is pretty lame. And his site is pretty lame. But it’s far from being the lamest site on the internet - that honor goes to THIS SITE, which is so unnecessary that I was sure was a sham until I read Lindsay Lohan’s non-committal, barely coherent ‘endorsement’ trumpeted on the Celebrity Statements section.

The aspect of this scandal that makes it ridiculous is the fact that, apparently, of the billions of real (and fake) people on the internet, Mario couldn’t get anyone to send him a sex tape without an ulterior motive. And he’s well-known.

Kinda sad, isn’t it?

New from the endless catalog of vaguely creepy endorsements come the Super Mario Bath Bombs - effervescent balls that melt into yellow foam in the tub, leaving one of five collectible figurines.

As fun and interesting as these things would be (and, oh my, I am excited) I think the real story here is Nintendo / Japan’s fierce dedication and innovation in recycling.  Or, so I assume, at least…

I mean, I know this isn’t in the official product description, but what else could these things possible be except some fancy packaging around the natural byproduct of a certain earlier Mario product.

Man, I can’t believe that I wasted all of my fizzy yellow Mario Bombs on the wrong bathroom fixture…

Due to popular demand, I’m bringing up some of the artful photos from various PETA protests

For the cute brunette from the first volume, click HERE   ……….and HERE   ……… and HERE.

For another photo from the girl at the top of this page, click HERE.

For more photos from the ‘Running of the Bulls’ protest, click HERE …… and HERE.

And misc, click HERE.

British artist Pete Doherty is officially the Hero of the Year, 2007.

If the end-all-of-everything are the NME awards.

Now, I like Pete Doherty. A lot. As anyone who knows me can probably imagine, I like pretty much anyone who’s thin, has black hair, smokes a lot, and plays music. I loved his old band; I love his new band.

But even I’m not sure about this one.

For those of you who aren’t much into Brit-pop, Pete Doherty is a pro-musician / on-again-off-again junkie / Kate Moss’s on-again-off-again significant other… He was one of the two dubious geniuses behind the Brit-punk band The Libertines before his descent into total junkiedom and exile by every one except the police and the tabloids.

Hero of the Year?

In related news, Carl Barat is ‘very confused’ by Pete Doherty’s recent win, and had this to say when asked about the possibility of a new project with Pete:

“Yeah, actually. He said we should write a musical, which I really want to do. It’s just a matter of timing and sorting it out.”

He goes on to say that it would be in the vein of The Threepenny Opera, except based more on what they know.

I’m pretty excited; I know that I’ve been desperately in need of a lame non-existent project to get pumped about, and this one is perfect!

For a taste of the magic of The Libertines, and to jump on the bandwagon before it gets any later, check out this VIDEO… and for some very ’special’ pictures of Kate Moss to get inside the psyche of Pete click HERE…… and HERE.

Jealousy, Deception, Obsession, Heartbreak, Smut

Ah, the bittersweet joys of online dating.

Sentence comes down on March 19 in the case of Stephen Hailes (48), the jilted online chatter who forwarded naked pictures of his cyber-partner Karen Parker (36) to her husband and every one else in her Hotmail address book.

The ‘crime’ is sending indecent and grossly offensive images by a public communication network; which I guess is illegal in Britain.

More confusing is how this managed to happen in the first place… Not satisfied just sending naked photographs, she also spoke with him on the phone and, most importantly, gave him her e-mail password.

What happened in between that and forwarding involves someone sending flowers, calling constantly, growing jealous, and *gasp* discovering that Karen Parker was not quite web-monogamous, as the term might be.

Sigh…

Forward this to anyone who still thinks that the British have a one-up as far as culture and intelligence goes - the saga of the unemployed single father-of-one, the married grocery-store cashier mother-of-two, and all the heartbreak and scandal that plagues them should cure that fast.

The mad-forwarder faces potential jail time… The scandal-box faces…. um, nothing?

Check out the PG version to see what had this guy losing his mind… right…….. HERE.

The new images from Paris’ topless (kind of) photo-shoot for the magazine 944 were released, thus - as a serious journalist - I have to talk about them.

Mmm, there’s not that much to say. Paris Hilton is lacking full clothing. She is thin. She also looks like she has to go to the bathroom really badly…

Mostly it’s just hard to think of any actual content to go along with these pictures with my hand under the table…

Desperately trying to soothe my groin from the spontaneous outbreaks of herpes and nine other STDs that exploded in my crotch just from looking at this picture.

For those of us who fondly remember the more wholesome (ever-so-slightly) Paris Hilton, click HERE and reminisce.